Jude BellamyRaised Not to Be Rude

Morning. Thank you for last night.
The wine was mine. The good one. You’re welcome.
Yes, I had his coat.
He handed it to me. He was looking for his phone.
That’s a coat. I’d have held yours.

You can ask anyone who wanted ice
I never left the kitchen once
And I’m sure whatever he said is accurate
It just isn’t what it sounds like

I didn’t do anything
I didn’t do anything
I didn’t do anything
Okay.
What did he tell you?
What did he tell you?

His phone was at two percent, so I put my number in.
That’s not a move. That’s a contingency plan.
Then he lost the coat again, so I helped him look.
It was in the bedroom. Where the coats were. It took a minute.
Three. Tops.
He spilled his drink. I had a clean shirt in my bag from work.
So now he’s in my shirt.

Fine. He kissed me.
In the bedroom. That’s his statement, not mine.
And I was raised not to be rude
So I’m not going to say I didn’t participate

I didn’t do anything
I didn’t do anything
I didn’t do anything
Okay.
What did he tell you?
What did he tell you?

And we did not leave together. Write that down.
He left with his roommate. I left after. Different door.
I know, because I’d been out on the landing
Getting some air. Quarter past one.
And he came out, and it was cold,
So his hand was inside my jacket. That’s physics.
And my hand was at his waist because the railing’s low
And I was being safe.
Why are you laughing.
Who else was on the landing.
His roommate smokes.
Oh.

I didn’t do anything
I didn’t do anything
I didn’t do anything
Okay.
What did he tell you?
Who told you that?

He does this thing where he crosses his arms
Right before he says something he means.
That’s not evidence. I just noticed.
He texted “home?” at two-sixteen.
I said “almost.”
I didn’t do anything.
I answered.

You came in for ice. That was twenty minutes ago.
You keep saying you should get back to your friends.
You haven’t.
You’re good with a room. Then you look at me and turn it down a little.
And you say it like a fact, not a line:
“Most people don’t even realize I’m gay.”

I’m sure they don’t.
I believe you.
You don’t have to prove it.
I’m not going anywhere.

Most people don’t.
That’s fine.
I’m not most people.
I’m not most people.
You’re not talking to most people.
You’re talking to me.

You look right at me when you say something that costs you
And you look at the floor when I say you’re handsome.
You’ve asked me twice what I do. You knew the first time.
Somebody needs the corkscrew, and you hand it to them,
And you stay.

You said, “Oh yeah? How’d you know?”
I could tell you.
But that’s yours.
I’ll leave it where you put it.

Most people don’t.
That’s fine.
I’m not most people.
I’m not most people.
You’re not talking to most people.
You’re talking to me.

And you ask me, quiet, like it’s nothing,
“Does anybody else know?”
No.
And I should have left it there.
Good.
I like being the one who knows.

Most people don’t.
That’s fine.
I’m not most people.
I’m not most people.
You’re not talking to most people.
You’re talking to me.

Somebody needs ice.
You step aside. You hand them the tray.
You could go back to the other room.
You don’t.
Neither do I.

Coats on. Everybody's leaving.
You say Somerville. I say the South End.
There's a pause where we both do the math.
The math is bad. We both know the math is bad.
You say, "We could split a cab."
I say yes before you've finished that.

You say it's sort of on the way.
I say, right, depending on the map.
You say traffic's better if we take the bridge.
There isn't a bridge.
Mmhmm, good point.

We're going different ways
Let's split a cab anyway
It's late. It's cold. It's cheaper.
Get in.

The cab pulls off and nobody mentions the route.
We don't need it anymore.
You're closer than you've been all night. Your knee's on mine.
Nobody moves it.
The lights go by. Nobody's counting.

The driver asks, "Which stop first?"
And that's a real question now.
One of us has to be where this ends.
You look at me. I look at the window.
I say, "Mine."

We're going different ways
Let's split a cab anyway
It's late. It's cold. It's cheaper.
Get in.

And here's my street, and we were right,
It wasn't on the way at all.
Meter's running.
You say, "So this is you."
I say, "This is me."
Neither of us is reaching for the door.

We were going different ways
We split a cab anyway
It wasn't on the way.
It wasn't cheaper.

Meter's running.
I could ask. You could say.
We both know you want to stay.
Come in

Let me take your coat.
What are you drinking? I've got that.
Sit anywhere. Not there. Here.
Warm in here. Lose the sweater.
There he is.

Shoes still on
Like you haven't decided.
Take your time.

Be my guest.
Make yourself comfortable.
Stay as long as you like.
Whatever you need,
You don't have to ask.
Be my guest.

Here's the kitchen. Here's the view.
Here's the bathroom.
That's the bedroom.
Tour's over.
Nobody's asking for a drink anymore.
Nobody's cold.

Shoes came off
A while ago.

Be my guest.
Make yourself comfortable.
Stay as long as you like.
Whatever you need,
You don't have to ask.
Be my guest.

And then you ask.
Quietly. Once.
Whatever makes you comfortable.
That too.

Be my guest.
Make yourself comfortable.
Stay as long as you like.
Whatever you need,
You don't have to ask.
Be my guest.

Stay for breakfast.

I brought my own controller.
Split screen.
You took the top.
I didn’t argue.
You had me right on the edge.
We never finished the round.
So baby, let’s get loaded.
I’ll warn you, I’ve got good aim.
You were smashing the right buttons.
Damn, you’re good.
Keep going.

You talk a lot
For someone getting pounded

Good game.
Rematch?
Your pick.
We know we’re both winning.
Your couch.
Your rules.
Good game.
Again.

Top. Bottom.
Head to head.
Vers. Us.
Let’s flip.

Paused for an hour.
But we didn’t stop playin.
Nobody's touched the controller.
Baby, You know what I’m sayin
boy we love a joystick.
Score's tied. No trick
You said, keep it DL.
Already downloaded.
Ready. Set. Fight.
Boy, let’s play all night.

You talk a lot
For someone shooting on the floor.

Good game.
Rematch?
Your pick.
Best two out of three.
Your couch.
Your rules.
Good game.
Again.

Top. Bottom.
Head to head.
Vers. Us.
Let’s flip.

You asked top or bottom.
Why pick, let’s flip
Flop down on the couch
Arch that back, don’t slouch
You said you came first.
I said, yeah I’m thirsty.
Finish him!

Good game.
Rematch?
Your pick.
There’s no losing if it’s twice.
Your couch.
Your rules.
Good game.
Again.

Top. Bottom.
Head to head.
Vers. Us.
Rematch.

Next morning, two letters:
G.G.
I sent back one word.

Finish Him.

Second night, you said, “Keep it easy.”
Good. Easy works for me.
Then you fell asleep with your arm across me
Like it landed there naturally.

Took my hand at the crosswalk,
Kept talking through the light.
You didn’t notice.
I did.

Fine. Casual.
Then stop being so good at this.

You’ve got a boyfriend face
Shame about the boyfriend part.
Keeping it easy,
I can do my part.

But you’ve got a boyfriend face,
And it keeps giving you away.
If this isn’t going anywhere,
Nobody told your face.

Sunday stretched past four o’clock.
You made the bed. I found your shoes.
By then Tuesday had a plan,
And you knew what time I got through.

You kissed me once in the doorway,
Then came back before I moved.
That felt unnecessary.
I approved.

Fine. Casual.
You’re making a strange case for it.

You’ve got a boyfriend face
Shame about the boyfriend part.
Keeping it easy,
I can do my part.

But you’ve got a boyfriend face,
And it keeps giving you away.
If this isn’t going anywhere,
Nobody told your face.

Last night, across the room,
You caught me looking.

I left it there.
No smile.
No invitation.

You crossed the room anyway.

So now I have
One additional question.

You’ve got a boyfriend face
Shame about the boyfriend part.
Keeping it easy,
I have from the start.

But you’ve got a boyfriend face,
And it keeps giving you away.
I’m not asking where this is going.

You came my way.

Nobody told your face.

Three days, no text.
Four, if you’re counting.
I’m counting.

Half an hour late
And not even sorry.
Still charming.

He warned me night one.
Said he’s bad at this.
Responsible of him.

I said, “Noted.”
Then I went anyway.

You ask what he’s good at.
I don’t say.

That’s an answer.

Bad at texting.
I know.
Bad at plans.
I know.
You can do better.
I know.

He’s good in bed.

I know.

I know, I know.
I know, I know.
I know, I know.

I know.

Makes the coffee wrong.
Every time.
Very sure.

Funny when he’s here.
A rumor when he’s not.

Forgets the corner place I hate.
Remembers other things.

Says he’s gotta go.
Then picks a movie.

That’s worse.

Don’t tell him I said that.

You ask if it’s still
Just a fling.

Obviously.

Why?

Bad at texting.
I know.
Bad at plans.
I know.
You can do better.
I know.

He’s good in bed.

I know.

I know, I know.
I know, I know.
I know, I know.

I know.

Then you stop
And you mean it.

“Do you actually like him?”

Yeah.

That’s the other problem.

I call it convenient
So I don’t call it feelings.

He calls it Friday.

Then makes Saturday plans.

Bad at texting.
I know.
Bad at plans.
I know.
You can do better.
I know.

He’s good in bed.

I know.

I know, I know.
I know, I know.
I know, I know.

I know.

He just texted.

Ten minutes.

I’ll wait ten minutes.

It’s been one.

He wants to watch something.

Fuck.

You name a place I haven’t been.
Your ex-boyfriend knows the bartender there.
I could say, “We should go.”
I say, “I’ve heard it’s good.”

You nod.

Chairs go up around us.
Nobody’s checked the time.
You walk me home.
It’s not your way.

I know that.
I don’t know what it means.

I hear every word.
I’m only listening
For one thing.

Say next time.
Say it like it’s nothing.
Next time, somewhere quieter.
Next time, you pick.

I don’t need the speech.
Don’t make it a thing.
Put me anywhere in your week.

Say next time.

Next time.
Next time.

Just say next time.

At my door:
“Really good time.”

I could say,
“I wanna see you again.”

I say, “Me too.”

We kiss.
Beard burn.
You don’t leave yet.

I could say, “Come up.”
I say, “It’s late.”

Then kiss you
Like I’m trying to change your mind.

“Get home safe.”

That’s what comes out.

That’s not what I mean.

Say next time.
Say it like it’s nothing.
Next time, somewhere quieter.
Next time, you pick.

I don’t need the speech.
Don’t make it a thing.
Put me anywhere in your week.

Say next time.

I make you wait twenty minutes.
I wait all twenty too.

Type it.
Delete it.
Type something cooler.
Regret that one too.

Post a picture with my friends
Like I’ve got somewhere to be.
You like it in thirty seconds.

I don’t look.

For three.

I’ve got an extra ticket.
There’s a party Friday night.
I’ve gotten very good
At almost asking what I like.

So I leave the door unlocked
And let you make the move.

’Cause wanting you is easy.

Letting you know
Is new.

Say next time.
Say it like it’s nothing.
Next time, somewhere quieter.
Next time, you pick.

I don’t need the speech.
Don’t make it a thing.
Put me anywhere in your week.

Say next time.

Say next time.
Like you already know
There’ll be another night
After this one goes.

I don’t need forever.
Don’t make it a thing.

Just put me
Anywhere in your week.

Say next time.

“Next time, I’m picking the place.”

I read it twice.

Deal.

Your type, my type
Your type, my type
Same type tonight
Same type tonight

You like ’em bearish
I like ’em tall
I like a pretty boy
With something under it all
Give me a beard
Give me tattoos underneath it
Put ‘em on a thick boy
Now we’re speaking

You clock the body
I clock the face
Healthy, hairy
Everything in its place
Not too polished
Don’t dress it all up
Show a little skin, boy
That’s more than enough

You give me the eyes
I know what they mean
Same little look
From across the scene

You keep looking
I’ll make the move
Funny how lately
We both choose—

Your type
My type
Same type tonight
Thick boy, good face
Looking just right

Your type
My type
Give me the eyes
You keep looking, baby
I’ll go say hi

Your bears got smaller
My boys got thicker
Meet in the middle
Everybody’s a winner

Your type
My type
Same type tonight

Type, type, type
Same type tonight
Type, type, type
Looking just right

Your type, my type
Your type, my type
Same type tonight

I swear I’m flexible
Look at my history
Twink, twunk, jock
Call it diversity
But make him taller
Make him thick
Walk in like he knows
He’s everybody’s pick

Little bit cocky
Little bit bro
Chest hair showing
Let a little bit go
Don’t need designer
Don’t cover it up
If I can’t see some skin
You’re wearing too much

You give me the eyes
I know what they mean
One little look
And we’re both on the same team

You keep looking
I’ll make the move
Funny how lately
We both choose—

Your type
My type
Same type tonight
Thick boy, good face
Looking just right

Your type
My type
Give me the eyes
You keep looking, baby
I’ll go say hi

Your bears got smaller
My boys got thicker
Meet in the middle
Everybody’s a winner

Your type
My type
Same type tonight

Type, type, type
Same type tonight
Type, type, type
Looking just right

Your type, my type
Your type, my type
Same type tonight

Mustache
Tattoos
Tank top
Good view
Tall boy
Thick thighs
One look
Two guys

Big confidence
No need to try
Walks like he knows
He’s caught both our eyes

You feel it
I feel it
No need to decide
If he’s your type
And he’s my type
He’s our type tonight

Your type
My type
Our type tonight

Your type
My type
Our type tonight

You see it
I see it
He sees us tonight

Your type
My type—

Same type tonight
Thick boy, good face
Looking just right

Your type
My type
Give me the eyes
You keep looking, baby
I’ll go say hi

Your bears got smaller
My boys got thicker
Meet in the middle
Everybody’s a winner

Your type
My type
Same type tonight

Type, type, type
Same type tonight
Type, type, type
Looking just right

Your type, my type
Our type tonight
Your type, my type
Our type tonight

Type, type, type
Same type tonight
Type, type, type
Everybody’s a winner

Your type
My type
Our type tonight

Your type
My type
Our type tonight

I’ll go say hi.

You’re handsome in the morning,
Beard flattened on one side.
Wearing one of my old T-shirts
Like you forgot which one’s mine.

You fall asleep through movies.
I stay up another scene,
Listening for that slower breath
That means you’re really asleep.

Monday, coat already on,
Keys waiting in my hand.
I’ve never minded going to work.

I minded then.

I used to break eye contact
Before it could mean too much.

Now you look at me
And something begins to hush.

Maybe it’s the way
You seem so sure of what you see.

I like myself better
From where you’re looking at me.

With you it feels like nobody’s watching,
Even when you’re looking right at me.
I don’t have to fill the silence.
I don’t have to be anything.

I can laugh too hard at something stupid,
Let the whole night disappear.
With you it feels like nobody’s watching.

So why do I feel
So seen when you’re here?

You’d already left one Sunday.
Weekend over. Door shut.
I caught my hand doing dishes.
Nothing serious. Just a cut.

My roommate called you.
You turned the car around.

By the time you got back,
I’d almost forgotten it hurt.

Now every song that gets me
Makes me wonder what you’ll hear.
Every thought gets halfway formed
And somehow you’re already there.

And when a movie gets you,
You never make a sound.
You keep your eyes straight ahead
And reach until you find my hand.

I learned not to look over.

I just hold on.

I used to get nervous
When somebody looked too long.

Now I lose track of where your eyes end
And mine begin.

Whatever man
You think you’re looking at—

I think
I’d like to become him.

With you it feels like nobody’s watching,
Even when you’re looking right at me.
I don’t have to fill the silence.
I don’t have to be anything.

I can lie beside you breathing,
Let the whole world disappear.
With you it feels like nobody’s watching.

So why do I feel
So seen when you’re here?

When movies get sad,
Your hand comes looking for mine.

You never turn your head.
Neither do I.

That’s how I know.

Lately when the ending comes,
I miss a little of the scene.

My mind goes somewhere
Past the screen.

To some room
Years from now,
Dark enough that I can’t see—

And I don’t know
Which one of us
Will have to leave.

But if your hand comes looking,

I hope mine’s
Still where you remember it being.

With you it feels like nobody’s watching,
Even when you’re looking right at me.
I don’t have to make you laugh.
I don’t have to make you stay.

I can let you see the parts of me
I used to turn away.

And there’s a man inside your eyes
I’m still learning how to be.

Maybe you’ve been looking at him
Long before I could see.

With you it feels like nobody’s watching.

Keep looking at me.

I don’t wanna look away.

Your mother shows me all her roses
“Seeds need to go in deep”
“That deep usually does it”
You catch your lip between your teeth

“He needs somebody patient”
“Yes ma’am, I take my time”
“He never does what he’s told”
“He does when I ask nice”

Pass the spoon
Big or little?

Don’t look at me
And start that giggle

You behave
I’ll behave

Keep your hands
Above the table

Good boy
That’s better

Your mother thinks I’m nice
(So nice)

Baby, let her

She thinks I’m good for her son
(Good boy)

You know better

I say please
I say thank you

I can be gentle
I can go hard

I’m a nice guy
(Very nice)

Till you ask me
Not to be

“He always played a little rough”
“Yeah, he still does”

“He always needed a firm hand”
“Yeah, that still works”

“Slow down when you swallow”
“That’s what I keep telling him”

“Would you boys like seconds?”
“He usually does”

“Cream with the pie?”
“Extra on his, please”

Don’t look at me
Your mother started it

You behave
I’ll behave

Keep your hands
Above the table

Good boy
That’s better

Your mother thinks I’m nice
(So nice)

Baby, let her

She thinks I’m good for her son
(Good boy)

You know better

I say please
I say thank you

I can be gentle
I can go hard

I’m a nice guy
(Very nice)

Till you ask me
Not to be

Coffee, old pictures
You at seventeen

“Always such a daddy’s boy”
You look straight at me

I bite my tongue
Just this once

Then her voice goes softer

“He’s happier lately”

Your hand finds mine
Under the table

I bring it up
Where she can see

You leave it there
Right next to me

Your mother thinks I’m nice
(So nice)

Baby, let her

She thinks I’m good for her son

Boy, I want to be

I say please
I say thank you

I can be gentle
I can go hard

I’m a nice guy
(Very nice)

Till you ask me
Not to be

Open.
We said open.
Sounded easy when we said it.

Together or separate?
Depends on the night.
If we meet him in the wild,
Then baby, that’s alright.
No repeats.
No sleepovers.
No making plans online.
And nothing worth hiding—
That’s the bottom line.

You laughed.
“Boy, we have rules.”

I kissed you.
“Baby, we have us.
The rest is just what we do.”

And I meant it.
Still do.
I like the way we love.
We’re two men in a room full of men—
Of course we’re gonna look.

But some nights you’re out
And I’m home being evolved.
Very mature.
Very secure.
Checking the clock like an asshole.

We opened it up
And everything came out.
All of the wanting,
All of the doubt.
I don’t wanna close us,
I just need you closer.
If we’re gonna be open,
Baby, open with me.

Go have your freedom.
Come give me honesty.
I don’t need to be the only one
To know you still choose me.
We opened it up.
So open with me.

Open, open—
With me.
Open, open—
Come home to me.

Together is easy.
Separate takes trust.
It’s fun when we’re both looking
At the same beautiful distraction.
Some nights I fucking love it.
Some nights you love it more.
Some nights I kiss you goodbye
Then hate the sound of the door.

And I know what we agreed to.
I don’t need to change the deal.
But saying I get jealous
Doesn’t mean I want you less free.

Maybe it just means you’re worth
Getting a little scared to lose.
I can want this life with you
And still need reassurance too.

So if something feels different,
Don’t make me read your mind.
You can tell me something hurts
Without somebody crossing a line.

I don’t need your location.
I don’t need another rule.
I just need to know that being open
Means I get to be open too.

We opened it up
And everything came out.
All of the wanting,
All of the doubt.
I don’t wanna close us,
I just need you closer.
If we’re gonna be open,
Baby, open with me.

Go have your freedom.
Come give me honesty.
I don’t need to be the only one
To know you still choose me.
We opened it up.
So open with me.

Tell me when you’re jealous.
I’ll tell you when I’m scared.
Tell me when you’re having fun.
I swear that I can bear it.

I’d rather hear too much from you
Than feel you disappear.
There are things that sting a little
That I still wanna hear.

‘Cause I don’t want less freedom.
I don’t want less of us.
I wanna know the scary parts
Are safe enough to touch.

Maybe love isn’t never looking.
Maybe trust isn’t looking away.
Maybe choosing isn’t something
That you only do one day.

So go.
Have fun.
Come back.
Tell me everything.

We opened it up
And everything came out.
All of the wanting,
All of us now.
I don’t wanna close us,
Come a little closer.
If we’re gonna be open,
Baby, open with me.

Go have your freedom.
Come give me honesty.
You don’t have to be only mine
To keep choosing me.
We opened it up—
Look what we found.

Open, open—
With me.
Open, open—
No hiding from me.
Open, open—
Come home to me.

Maybe that’s the point.

Not letting everybody in.

Just not shutting each other out.